my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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