Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
