He kissed a someone with a penis
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
