Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
