He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
