do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
