my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
