I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
