Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
