Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
