i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
