Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Where did you get a picture of my penis
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize