just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
