If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
