it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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