If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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