He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
