HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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