She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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