You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
