I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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