I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
