If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
