i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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