look no pants
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
