It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
