He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
