This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
