Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
