Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
