Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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