you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
