he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
