1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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