yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
