I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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