My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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