Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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