Soap is not a condiment
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
