i was born a porn star she said
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
