im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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