I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
