Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
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After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
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I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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