someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
