When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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