I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
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chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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