paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
