It's like a parade of train wrecks.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
