Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
