The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
