I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
