I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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