I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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