I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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