Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
