I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
