dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
